Whoever coined  it—I wish them dead once more. Not because I hate them or because it makes my dictionary two syllables thicker, but more or less because it deprives me of the ability to grow my own shirt, pants, shoes, and the many other odd accessories we jump into and out of on a daily basis.

I cannot evolve myself into to a hairy body. I can barely grow a mustache. Movember for me is six months of no shaving and barely a set of whiskers to show for it. We fecked this one up. We’re thousands of years off course.

Think about it—how many animals do you know that don’t grow their own warmth, besides the nearly nine billion being pestered by Andre Agassi to buy the four pronged razor promising the same gleamed cut?

Maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe the current big banged rocks are a bit scattered. Maybe we, the no-longer-naked-but-clothed bi-pedalers, are evolving into monkeys, apes, and sea lions? That would make sense. I mean they live naturally and have perfected thermoregulation.

Was it the discovery of fire that doomed us all? I can’t help but think it was. That fire led to excessive warmth and evolutionary shedding. That fire led to meat patties and coffee too. That fire led to exploitation of our oily ocean bottoms as well as the present-day emissions crisis. Modest Mouse says Fire It Up, but maybe we should just simmer it down.

We created a word for it, so let’s use it—not hide behind it in layers of synthetic fibers. I have no intentions of joining the local nudest colony—you have to be at least 18, and for some reason only the young dollar-bill-magnets are naked up on stage—, but I do like to thermoregulate to the best of my ability whenever possible.

This means no North Face’s, cranked up BTUs, noiseless bankrupt-ers (Dyson), infrared robots, and the many hand-warmers we’ve become nakedly entangled with.

Sparsely haired skin is like the most invincible yet omnipresent disease today—held captive by coats, pants, wigs, and toupees. And gender-bias has only mown things worse.

This article was inspired by porn. Lots and lots of porn. But not really!

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